Is Virtual Dating Still Hot?
We spoke with three women trying out virtual dating during the pandemic.
Illustration by Ally Hart
When will I meet you?
I'm down to see you.
I wanna see you right now.
It's been a year now.
In the uncanny times of quarantine and social distancing, Ravyn Lenae’s “Computer Luv” is now a reality for many. The human search for love remains even though we’re stuck inside, with no certainty about when quarantine will end. As a result, virtual dating has taken on a new weight as the primary mode of communication between couples.
Online dating has come a long way since its first real case in the 1940s, when a company would collect participants’ information to make matches for just 25 cents. It went through its phases in the 1980s and ‘90s with the birth of online chat rooms, Match.com, and movies like You’ve Got Mail.
In this entirely new millennium, we’ve been spoiled for choice. From social networking sites to the plethora of specialty dating apps allowing us to meet who we want on our own terms, the options are endless. Now recognized as the preferred way to meet people, dating apps are taking yet another turn during this pandemic. What were once meant to break the ice before meeting in person, virtual reality now allows for first dates to be initiated through the screen of your laptop.
For some, this new virtual dating scene has been a positive experience. “Virtual dating has been pretty good,” says Gabrielle, a 27-year old writer in New York City. “It’s been fun to continue dating while we’re all social distancing.”
She points to platforms like Zoom and Tinder, the perfect apps for getting to know somebody virtually. “I met someone on Tinder and then we did Netflix Party stuff, which was a really cool date,” she says. Gabrielle also “goes” to Club Quarantine, which happens every night via Zoom, to meet people and flirt. That certainly takes out the sweatiness and claustrophobia of meeting someone at a bar.
Marley, a 29-year-old entrepreneur and digital media producer in New York City, is also really loving the virtual dating scene and finds people are less shy and more inclined to accept dates if it's online. “I’ve been on a few virtual dates and had a blast so far,” she says. “I love it because it feels like men on dating sites are more inclined to ask me on a virtual date now that we’re all locked inside than they would for a regular date.”
Marley even tweeted some “creative virtual dating tips” based on her own virtual dates to put together “the perfect experience.” Some of Marley’s dates even sent her flowers and food from UberEats, inspiring readers to up or maintain their standards and giving inspiration to those who want to impress their own dates.
HOW TO VIRTUAL DATE
— MARLEY 💡 (@GirlNamedMarley) April 14, 2020
1. Find prospects on social media and dating platforms (I recommend @bumble for quality matches)
2. Build genuine rapport for up to 3 days
3. On the 4th day say “It’s unfortunate that we may not be able to meet for weeks. Can I take you on a virtual date?”
For others though, virtual dating hasn’t panned out quite as well. Arolyn is a 26-year old patient advocate and graduate student normally based in San Francisco, although she’s sheltering with her family in Los Angeles for the time being. Her singular virtual date was “terrible.”
“I am not liking a thing,” she shared. “I like the idea of connecting and immediately meeting in person within a few days. I am not the best person at texting or getting to know someone through chatting via text.”
Certainly, virtual dating leaves a lot to be desired when compared to in-person communication. On a first date, you can usually read your date’s body language to get a sense of them by noting their facial expressions, hand gestures, and mannerisms. It’s harder to pick up on these cues through a screen, creating a lack of personal connection. For Arolyn, meaningful connection was replaced with awkwardness, weird questions, and moments of silence.
“One virtual date (and there was only one) was so awkward. I could tell he was nervous, he kept asking the weirdest questions and I am positive we were both sober,” she says. “There were a lot of awkward silences, which honestly increases the anxiety about it.”
To kick it up a notch, technology is not always a friend. Arolyn recounts the frequent technology glitches causing her Zoom date to constantly freeze.
Gabrielle also had a tough time with the not only heightened awkward silences, but lack of in-person connection, too. “I miss being able to hold someone’s hand,” she says.
Meanwhile, Marley views the lack of physical connection as a positive thing. Without the temptation of physical connection, the experience becomes “extremely intimate” for her. “We’re forced to really dig deep into each other,” she said, “and not in hopes that ‘she’d come home with me’.”
Another issue to confront is sincerity. Are people actually looking for a real relationship or just finding a way to pass the time? Although Marley’s experience has been good overall, she has had encounters with online creeps just looking for a strip tease. “I had some creeps asking for sex related things and I hated that. I instantly unmatched them,” she comments.
She also opens up about that feeling of the unknown that often crosses her mind while dating online. “There’s the knowledge that the person you’re talking to can absolutely still take a bunch of other women on (virtual) dates too,” she says. “Making you feel way less special and memorable.”
Of course, this feeling isn’t unique to online dating, but it doesn’t make it any less pervasive. That, paired with technological glitches and a lack of sincerity or real connection, can be enough to put someone off. But Gabrielle believes that the differences between virtual and real life dating are very slim. You can still run into awkward first dates, creeps, and relationship uncertainty in real-life dating. The only significant difference is the interplay of technology.
“Dating is dating. Same problems, same highlights,” Gabrielle says.
So, is it possible to find love virtually?
“Absolutely not, unless someone worthy magically comes through,” says Arolyn, who is still thinking about the weird experience she’s had during the pandemic.
Gabrielle is a bit more optimistic, but like Arolyn, doubts she’ll find a real connection anytime soon. “There’s nobody I super clicked with. There were people I might have been attracted to, but I didn’t feel super connected with them,” says Gabrielle. “Maybe something could happen later with virtual dating but I wouldn’t count on it, same as when I’m dating normally.”
On the other hand, Marley is hopeful about the situation and its possible outcomes. “Absolutely! The energetic exchange is still quite the same. And that’s all you need to build any bond,” she comments. “And we have to remember that it’s a new experience for all of us.”
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